what I really wanted to say to him

Kagabi or madaling araw kanina, naiyak ako. I thought I was already over him. But hell no, me konting kirot pa. Tinataguan nya kasi ako sa chat. Ang kulit kulit ko rin kasi, sinabi ng wag ng magchat ever e!

Kung bibigyan man ako ni Lord ng chance or moment na masabi ko lahat ng gusto kong sabihin sa kanya siguro ganito ang sasabihin ko.

"sandali lang pwede ka bang makinig kahit sandali lang
kahit last na to pagkatapos pwede ka ng umalis. Wag ka muna magsalita, pakinggan mo lang ako please...

alam mo kasi nung hindi pa kita nakikilala, di pa tayo nagiging close para akong nasa isang racing car at meron lang one way na pinupuntahan...

...kaso nung dumating ka naging dalawa. Kasi dati merun lang akoong one goal, nakatutok lang ako sa iisang bagay, yun yung matupad ko yung mga pangarap ko. Kasi ang one big frustration ko sa buhay e mapatunaayn ko sa mga magulang ko na magaling din ako, na eager akong ma please sila kasi hindi naman kasi ako kagalingan kagaya ng mga kapatid ko. Wala silang maipagmamalaki sa akin, kaya nung nalaman ko kung anung gusto nila para sa akin tinry ko talagang makuha para sa kanila. Kagaya na lang ng sa trabaho. Sinunod ko yung gusto nila na sa mas magandang company pumunta,...

...kaso kasi dumating ka, hindi ko nga akalain na magiging beyond special ka pala para sa akin...

...inisip ko kasi stick to your goal, yun kasi ang tama, yun ang akala kong tama....

...pinipigilan ko yung feelings ko para sau para hindi masakit or mas hindi ako mahihirapang umalis. kaso habang pinipigilan ko na mag grow ang feelings ko para sayo, lalo lang nagiging special ang tingin ko sau, lalo lang akong nahihirapan kasi kahit saan ako tumingin sa paligid ko, lalo na sa colorpoint, nakikita kita, parang me mga bakas mo...

...sorry medyo madrama na, ayun, kaya sorry kung pinilit kong lumayo sayo, akala mo ba hindi ako nahihhirapan nun na pinipigilan ko ang felings ko sau? sayo ko lang to naramdaman. natatakot din kasi akong mag accept ng lalake sa buhay ko kasi kilala ko ang sarili ko, baka masaktan ko lang sila, merun kasi akong tendency na maging aloof or me sariling mundo kasiweird kasi ako...

... sorry lagi na alng kitang sinasaktan...

...yung about pala kay timo, alam ko wala naman syang kwenta, di ko naman kailangan i explain sau to pero kasi naalala mo ba nung nakausap kita sa chat nun about sa nasa iisa lang kaming building? natuwa lang ako kasi medjo naho home sick ako nun kasi nasa malayung lugar ako wala akong kakilala tapos na over whelmed lang ako kasi me kakilala pala ako na malapit lang, gets mo? parang kahit papano merun pala akong mapupuntahan kapag nangailangan ako ng tulong. pero ni minsan di kami nagkita or nagkasalubong kahit malapit lang sila kasi magkaiba kami ng in at out e. Nahurt nga ako e, ikaw kaya ang gusto ko. Ganun lang talaga kami, close kasi dahil nga sa pinagsamahan namin, pero kung iku compare naman siya sau walang wala siya. promise!



ayun yun ang gusto kong sabihin....

Warts gone forever

Sa wakas kahapon natanggal na ang warts ko sa leeg. Lahat sila tinatanung kung natakot ba ako. Satotoo lang "oo" but it is more on "I'm excited that finally I'll gain self confidence that I don't care about the pain." Sa totoo lang mas masakit pa nga yung mga pangyayari after ako grumaduate na masyado kong dinibdib.Pero in fairness kinabahan ako for 3 times. One was nung papahiga na ako sa OR room kasi feeling ko isa akong palaka na i da disect: 2nd was nung tinurukan na ako ng anesthesia and 3rd nung nareceive ko na yung resibo ng bill 5k+!!!

Pero di talaga ako nakaramdam ng sakit kahapon kasi iniisip ko na kaya ko naman at hawak ni Papa God ang kamay ko. Ayun kaya di ko makakalimutan ang Nov 8, 2008

symptoms of deppression-ikaw ano gagawin mo?

REPOSTING FROM MULTIPLY (posted Oct 15, 2008 12 am)

Under wikipedia's definition, Depression is a serious condition that affects a person's work, family and school life, sleeping and eating habits, and general health.A person suffering usually experiences a pervasive low mood, or loss of interest or pleasure in favored activities. Depressed people may be preoccupied with feelings of worthlessness, inappropriate guilt or regret, helplessness or hopelessness.[3] Other symptoms include poor concentration and memory, withdrawal from social situations and activities, and thoughts of death or suicide. Insomnia is common: in the typical pattern, a person reports waking very early and being unable to get back to sleep. Appetite often decreases, with resulting weight loss, although increased appetite and weight gain occasionally occur.[3] The person may report persistent physical symptoms such as fatigue, headaches, digestive problems, or chronic pain;

Now I know how Spears and Lohan fought terribly for this psycho-disease, who wanted to have one anyway? There are times that I am complacent that I am ok or everything will be ok, (easy for me to say) but when everything is quiet or when I'm alone I can't help to randomly think of guilt, regret, and worthlessness - then cry. I thought if I could talk to my friends, best friends, close friends, family even our priest in communion I could get better. I wanted to think positive and help myself. I wanted to be convinced I am healing. but each day sunod sunod ang blow and I can't help but get emotional again.

This morning nagpachek up ako sa opthalmologist(mata) and I was diagnosed of opthalmoplegic migraine which he said I got aside from maghapong nakatutok sa pc, I also got from depression, sobrang pag-iisip and stress. He said to help myself, but I AM TRYING. There are so many reasons I got this, I thought if I pray or sleep I could be healed, but it wasn't that easy. I already got the symptoms of depression: loss of interest, low appetite, poor memory, poor concentration, affected on work, and worst- thoughts of suicide.

Remember I got a problem from my first work? But I had friends and I left all good memories there. It's just that i am torn between my own goals and dreams that I decided to leave. I took for granted all the good things that my 1st work taught me, even though someone special tried to stop me. I lied to all of them that I am doing the right thing (equals is Guilt). I left there hoping I could start finding my dreams, but my dream job rejected me (equals failure). I got another job although pays well I didn't enjoy much (equals Worthlessness). I got a heartache because of a stupid misunderstanding (equals weight loss haha!). Dissappointment from myself & dissappointment from parents who expects something better (equals Insomia). All in ONE year!

It doesn't end there, A very close friend who serves as an inspiration, kuya and who taught me so much on life and career (our senior g.a on my 1st work) is leaving the country, He wanted to pursue his vocational career (serving as a Latin priest abroad). i know I can't stop him & no one can, it is already HIS DREAM (because I know no one can also stop mine). He already received his papers for the flight abroad. He asked me to come back to my 1st work with them so I could spend his last remaining days with him. I wanted so much to go back but I know I can't because of the work load I have here (2nd work).

I am living on oblivion, I can't go out. I don't know what to do. My heart keeps telling me to go back but I know in my mind it's not right. I already lost many things by leaving, that no matter what I do will never come back the way it was before.

When will the day come that I'll stop crying?, nauubos na ako, ngayon lang to nangyari sakin. Pang maalaala mo kaya ang drama hahah!

Happy Halloween to us

Hindi ako mapakali ngayon. Dapat Nov1 ngayon at ngayong lang ako walang pasok ng saturday at nagpapahinga ako? Feeling ko maraming nag-iisip sa akin ngayon (haha feeling). Deep inside tinatanung ko sa sarili: "iniisip rin kaya niya ako ngayon?" (Kahit alam ko namang hindi na)Pinagsisisihan ko na ang pag-alis ko sa colorpoint, andaming nawala sa akin. Kailangan ko lang pala e "time to think" na malayo sa kanila. I deserve lahat ng nangyayari sa akin kasi isa akong sinungaling. Pero hindi ko na pinagsisisihan ang pagpasok ko sa adworksgrfx kasi nahasa ang skill ko sa photoshop, me bago akong natututunan, sinalo ako sa trabaho, kumikita ako, marami akong nakilala yun nga lang hindi lahat ng mga mabait ay kaibigan "Don't trust everyone" hindi lahat totoo pinapakita. Tsaka totoo pala ang kasabihan na "malalaman mo lang ang worth ng isang bagay/tao kapag nawala na sya sa iyo".

When I chose this decision I lost some important things along the way. Kasama talaga ang sakripisyo. like:
1. chance na makasama ko si kuya bitoi hanggang sa kahulihulihan
2. oppurtunities sa loob ng colorpoint
3. connection ko with someone I love
4. respeto sa sarili ko
5. respeto sa family ko sa akin
6. indesign skills (pero at least kapalit nun illustrator skills)
7. si kuya willie
8. si ate carol
9. piece of mind
10. tiwala nila sa akin

Tama kaya na bumalik pa ako doon? paano kung mas maging worse lang ang mga situation kapag bumalik ako? di kaya, kaya gusto kong bumalik kasi umaasa pa ako na babalik ulit ang samahan namin, kahit friendship with my special someone? paano kung si Sr Art mas lalong lalaki ang ulo sa pagbalik ko kasi iisipin niya kaya ako bumalik kasi mlupit amo sa adworksgrfx? Paano kung iinsultuhin na naman niya ako ulit? Paano kung maging malaking issue ang pag balik ko? bakit ba iniiisip ko lagi iisipin ng iba?

I hope natuto na ako s alahat ng mga pangyayaring ito. Kaya ko to, kailangan ko lang tibayan ang loob at manalig sa Diyos. Sabi nga ni Aura "everything will be ok." Maybe I'll just be patient.